Drastically unrestrained night time thoughts

• I'm lonely as shit for proper conversation and someone elses touch
• i would fucking love someone who would listen to the total crap that i spout from my gob or talk to me about everything and anything.
• Could go a cuddler to sleep with ever now and then
• I miss getting flowers for someone, i get flowers for mum now instead it seems to make her happy. 
• Why is it that people have a ridiculous desire to destroy things? I mean i caught myself thinking about this really nice girl (who is with a girlfriend who repetedly dumps her) slight arrogance maybe but i know that i could treat her better than said girlfriend thus destroying what they have in the process. It's a stupid complex, she's obvioucly happy or she wouldn't keep getting back together with her - i have no right to destroy that with my odd ego. Remains that i would treat her better, just makes me step back
• Why don't people like themselfs more - if you love something you love it and you hate it then you hate it. Not vocalising it is fine but you're allowed to think it and not feel guilty because you feels its vain or arrogant or up yourself.
• I need to be skin on skin with a girl soon, i'm going demented. Every second woman i see on the street i imagen what they'd be like in bed. Uggh even the thought of having someones hands on me gives me goosebumps straight away. I would most likely cum just from eye contact..to beee honest. Hopfully not in there eye but you know, shit happens.
• I should be doing work
• Pretty hungry though..
• Should probably not binge - trying to work on the old muscles
• I can't be bothered all i wan't to be happening right now is to be lying in a big old naked mess with a gorgeous lady who will stroke me for a while
• Think i will be like this for a really long time but that's okey becuase maybe i'll appriciate the company more when i don't have to be.
• Making cups of greentea and cooking dinner for eilidh to make sure she ate the other night when she was in a bit of a state and wasnt eating/drinking - is it wrong that i've not had a content feeling like that for a while
• Friend group family is all broken and shit and i don't know how to fix it. I miss them. 
• I would happily deny it and pretend i'm some sort of indapendant woman who is hard as the dugs nuts and a soild ice queen but i'd much sooner have a cuddle and someones time to spend mine with. I can't help it. Affectionet things don't come from anywhere else. I'm trying to not be sold on a girl who tells me she loves me and holds me right without it being what i want. I want to wait for something right/realnot be with someone because i'm lonely. 
• Come be passionet about stuff with me?
• Trying to work out the worst parts so that i'm aware of them and complament them with understanding 
• Making great fucking attemps at being the best damn human i can be
• Observation: people say they like nice people but they don't. 
• I'm starting to think that everyone gets cheated on. Kirsty cheated on andrew and she has the tightest morals i have ever seen - infact i really genuinly admired her. She is kind of my hero. Hearing that she has fucked another guy kind of shattered the illusion i had that loyalty was still an important thing to other people. It's still important to me. I'd never cheat on a girl, and people say things like "ooh but in some situations" blah blah blah no. Morals are the thing that tye the respect i've got for myself together - without that all kinds of shit fall apart. I have no desire to break anyone, it's inevitable to hurt them because its like appositonal muscles you can work one without working the other. But i want to hurt someone by dying or something you know? or maybe something a little less flamboiant and fixable. 
• Why am i always awake at three in the morning writing the same old shit? it's always presented in my head like this. It needs to breath sometimes or i go mad. Theres no one to tell these things. I wish there was someone to tell these things. They all dissapeared into the woodwork. I wish i was being over dramatic but i'm not. 
• Im working on being the kind of smart that people admire but that doesn't get shoved in peoples faces like my incredibly annoying flat mate with a PHD does and i want to punch her in her BMI rich face. 
• Cried several times whilst writing this, thats probably not good right. I'm really looking forward to finding some sort of content place. 
• I can comfort myself  a little now, put myself to bed and make sure everythings taken care of. lye so that i'm tight up against the wall with a shite tonne of pillows so it feels like the bed is full - half asleep and a litte upset that does the trick of easing up the isolation..close and kind to myself if nothing else beause it's all i can do and i deserve it. Would be mortified if anyone knew because it's probably ridiculous.