Hardest to be indapendant when your lonely and stressed to fuck, walked home from a club the other day on my own because the bois left without finding me or even so much as telling me they had gone. Nothing quite as soul destroying as having to be the person that comforts yourself but I got through without medicating so that's a plus. Keep trying to make some sort of meaningful connection, something that isn't demanding things from me or to do shit for them. Sort this out, listen to my problems, fill In for my shitty girlfriend/boyfriend and make me feel good so I can take it back to them and pretend we aren't having problems. I'm right fucking here..

The boiis are so fragmented we don't even meet up as a group anymore. When we do they fight and I try and hold shit together, the middle man for everything and not by choice. 

I miss you. And I'm not even meaning you as in one person, I miss being talked to with some sort of care that didn't involve me fixing or helping. I miss someone saying something other than "you need to bulk up" or "do you even eat" it's not that I've got self esteem issues that are that majour but I'm sick of people telling me I'm not right, it would be nice to hear that someone thinks I'm alright just how I am. I miss hearing someone other than myself say I love you - can only give myself a strange look for that one because I know it's stupid and probably weak/pathetic. I don't want to need these things from anyone but that's where I'm at and it's relitivly out of my control. I've got too much work to be doing right now to be so stalled, literally all I want to do at the moment is be in my bed. Even tried to reach out to Natalie and she couldn't care less about how I'm doing, she didn't even ask. When some sort of resbite is going to come I don't know but I really, really hope it's soon. 

You know what would be so so nice? To be able to appriciate someone for always being there when things where ruff instead of having it renforced time and time again that sooner or later they'll all vanish.