I almost want it to be a secret that when i open up the blinds in the morning i play over in my head the mornings we have spent together. When i walk to catch the train in the morning and theres a yellow car parked up on my street and i have to think about it not to land a punch on thin air, even though it doesn't count because we aren't driving. During college i'll crack a joke that people will look at me so blankly then continue on with what there doing, it's almost like i don't exist sometimes when i'm there. It's small things that save it like getting a text telling me you spotted a bulldog with balls so big it could bearly walk, it eases the stress of being around people that i'm constanly uncomfortable around. When i'm on my way home from college and fancy a coffee i'll always get a take out because sure the coffee is just as great, but the place isn't right without her. That when i get a quiet moment i sometimes remember what i feels like when you gently put your hand on my face and kiss me. When we watch a film and i'll spend most of it wanting you so badly that when it ends i can't help myself, it's so intense that when you run your hands over me it feels like i'm on fire. At the end of the week i'll get butterflys when i see you waiting at the station for me. When i'm running tomorrow i'll be pretending that she'll be there at the finish line, because seeing you at the end would sure as hell make me run faster if i needed a push. My heart will probably sink a little bit because i'll look for you even though i know fine well you couldn't be there but i needed to check anyway just to make sure. I'll carry your letter in my running tights to have a piece of you with me because i know that you'll have probably wanted to be there as much.

If i put this in a place that she can't find it then maybe it will be even more powerful. I say i miss her all the time but this is what i really mean when i say it. You should say what your really mean. Even if it's kinda terrifying. I've never loved a single thing as much as i love Kate. But if i told her that, if she knew how deeply i loved her and she wasn't on the same page it might scare her. I'll happily tell her every single day untill she tells me to shut up, how undesirbably important she is to me and how much she is loved but if i told her in so many words maybe she'd feel it. Maybe she needs that. She sure as hell deserves to be loved so deeply.

Fuck