I'm talking to you but you're not there, trying to dig up some words that might mean something to you. Might be the ones to make you see how much i need even a tiny bit of your presance in my life, a text or a missed phone call. Every day just seems like survival, trying to be happy without the girl that means everything to me. And i don't know how to do it anymore. If i could talk to her, and get her to tell me what ever she is feeling wither it would hurt me or not it would be better than this. The i don't know's. Better than waking up in tears and going to sleep trapped in my bed trying to resist the urge to pack it all in. Someone tell me how to cope and i'll do it. Because i can't make her love me, theres nothing i can do to show her how much i care for her that is going to make her stay. And she's pulled away so fast it makes me wounder where i went so wrong, what do i do to fix it. What she needs or wants me to do. If i asked her right now if she loved me, would she be able to tell me straight? 

I don't know. 

I can't tell what she's feeling or what she's going to do, and i'm not sure i can do anything to infulence that. From time to time i like to let her know how my brain still wants to tell her things, i somtimes cave and text her the words but they might all be lost if she doesn't want to accept what they mean to me. What she means to me even..I never knew what it was like to miss someones being so much that watching videos is the only thing that gets me to sleep at night. If she text me right now and told me that everything was going to be okey, that she was going to be okey then i would probably drop straight off to sleep. I would take her words as 100% no one else can bring me that kind of comfort. I can't count the number of times i've asked her to come home on one hand, i know that if she wanted to - if she knew that was what she wanted - then she would have by now. I can't stand being apart from her, although it's given me time to work on myself but now i'm done with that, can i please have my girl home? 

Nobody seems to get it when they ask me how i'm doing and i respond, they keep probing me to see how much they can see. No, i don't want you to be in here with me because i can barley keep afloat myself never mind telling you what's in my head. The likely hood is that they will give some advice and not understand in the slightest. If you don't know how i feel about her, properly know i mean then how can you even begin to understand. 

“If you don’t have passion for something, you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.”

—	Alexander McQueen

I wounder if i could have prevented some of her pain. If i made the right choice when i spoke up, infact i know i made the right choice because it's meant she is making a move on getting herself better. If she never knew how much i care about her before now she should now...it was a weigh up between possibly losing her - the love of my life - or not speaking up and her suffering, deteriating and in genral not being okey. Not being able to be happy because of all the emotional stress and strain on her.