I've never thought this way i don't think but i really need Fiona to come home, at the same time i don't want her to because she's so happy in Oz but it seems like she should be here. Not totally oblivious to what is going on at home. Thats what big sisters are for right? letting you know it will be all good.
Weird moment today when i was looking for Nans number in my phone and it's more than likely that mum is wishing that it could be the case as well. Theres no point wishing for things that are impossible, you do what you can with what you've got. I know this but it doesn't stop it from time to time.

Tryed talking to folk about it but a change of subject and no interest was shown - and i can't blame them because i never talk about things so how are they to know or care. I can show the emotional range of a tea spoon when talking about these things, apart from when i used to talk to natalie about stuff. Yeah, found myself mentally reaching out for her to talk to because when shit fell down we could talk about it, she knew how to comfort me. Gave me the kind of resolve that ment that i could deal with things with more clarity. I do feel as though i'm getting better at comforting myself though, this thought was only momantary then i knew that i was alright. Wanting for less and less and i can feel the change, its strange but it's good - i don't think i've ever leaned on myself this much without running to other people to prop me up. Under no illusion though that if i had someone who i could talk to, properly talk to and have a laugh with then it would help. Theres a massive lacking of silliness as well i have to say.. wouldn't mind a stroke either. I'd appriciate any from of closeness even if it was brief.